Quotes from the movie "Office Space"
Drew: I'm thinking I might take that new chick from Logistics. If things go well I might be showing her my O-face. "Oh... Oh... Oh!" You know what I'm talkin' about. "Oh!"
Bob Slydell: I'll be honest with you, I love his music. I do. I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, I don't know if it gets any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman".
Tom Smykowski: It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor... and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO.
Michael Bolton: That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea.
Samir: This is a... fuck!
Lawrence: We still goin' fishin' this weekend?
Peter Gibbons: Nah, Lumbergh's gonna have me come in on Saturday, I just know it.
Lawrence: Well, you can get out of that easily.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah? How?
Lawrence: Well, when a boss wants you to work on Saturday he generally asks you at the end of the day, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Lawrence: So, all you gotta do is avoid him... on the last few hours on Friday, duck out early, turn off your answering machine... you should be home free, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's a really good idea.
Lawrence: Fuckin' A, man!
Bill Lumbergh: [in Peter's dream, Lumbergh is oiled up and having sex] You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. Yeah, that's it. Great.
Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore.
Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!
Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second, please?
Peter Gibbons: OK.
Bob Slydell: What if - and believe me this is a hypothetical - but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both of you guys.
Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.
Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well.
Bob Porter: Excellent.
Bob Slydell: Great... Wow.
Peter Gibbons: [about the plan to steal from Initech] Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this but us, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.
Samir: Of course.
Michael Bolton: Agreed,
Lawrence: [from the next apartment through the wall] Don't worry, man. I won't tell anyone either.
Michael Bolton: Who the fuck is that?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool.
[Peter and Lawrence are working on the crew cleaning up the burned Initech building]
Peter Gibbons: This isn't so bad, huh? Makin' bucks, gettin' exercise, workin' outside.
Lawrence: Fuckin' A.
Peter Gibbons: [nods] Fuckin' A.
[Peter, Michael, and Samir are chatting as they hang around the printer]
Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities...
Michael Bolton: Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you're supposed to figure out what you would want to do if...
[printer starts beeping]
Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?
Peter Gibbons: The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Bob Porter: Don't... don't care?
Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?
Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses.
Bob Slydell: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.
Joanna: How dare you judge me? I mean what are you? You think you're some kind of, like, angel here? No, you're just this penny-stealing... wanna-be criminal... man.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, well, that may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh.
Lawrence: [shouting through the wall from his apartment] Hey Peter, man, check out channel 9, check out this chick.
Samir: No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.
Samir: Piece of shit.
Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax... I would sit on my ass all day... I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he's broke, don't do shit.
Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There *was* nothing wrong with it... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm... well, why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: In... yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What's that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: Oh, really? About an hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
Peter Gibbons: You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.
Joanna: Well, so what do you wanna do?
Peter Gibbons: I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my apartment and watch 'Kung Fu'. Do you ever watch 'Kung Fu'?
Joanna: I love 'Kung Fu'.
Peter Gibbons: Channel 39.
Joanna: Totally.
Peter Gibbons: You should come over and watch 'Kung Fu' tonight.
Joanna: Ok.
[Peter nods]
Joanna: Ok. Can we order lunch first?
[Peter nods again]
Joanna: Ok.
Bob Slydell: You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work... so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
Bob Slydell: I'd like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now we had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.
Steve: Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
Michael Bolton: We get caught laundering money, we're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.
Samir: I don't want to go to ANY prison!
Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, you awake?
Lawrence: Yeah.
Peter Gibbons: You wanna come over?
Lawrence: No, thanks, man. I don't want you fucking up my life, too.
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.
Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.
Bob Slydell: Milton Waddams.
Dom Portwood: Who's he?
Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it; but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Great.
Dom Portwood: So, uh, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it'll just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end.
Peter Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're gonna bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.
Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?
Bob Slydell: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.
Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...
Nina: Now Milton, don't be greedy, let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
Milton Waddams: Yeah, but last time I didn't receive a piece. And I was told...
Nina: Just pass.
[while the cake passes Milton mutters - eventually everybody but Milton gets a piece]
Milton Waddams: [muttering] I could set the building on fire.
Bill Lumbergh: Milt, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?
Milton Waddams: Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...
[last lines]
Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...
Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor.
[Under his breath]
Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo.
Milton Waddams: [as the waiter walks away] And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt.
Peter Gibbons: What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
Peter Gibbons: Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?
Joanna: Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register.
Peter Gibbons: Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.
Bob Porter: We're gonna be getting rid of these people here... First, Mr. Samir Naga... Naga... Naga... Not gonna work here anymore, anyway.
[Stuck in traffic]
Samir: Mother... shitter... Son of an... ass. I just...
[punches steering wheel]
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, and remember: next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
Rob Newhouse: Conjugal visits? Mmmm. Not that I know of. Y'know, minimum-security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then everything will be all right. W-Why do you ask, anyway?
Milton Waddams: I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
Milton Waddams: Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still haven't received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it...
Tom Smykowski: Well-well look. I already told you: I deal with the god damn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?
Michael Bolton: Peter, you're in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?
Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.
Lawrence: [as Peter leaves to confess to Lumbergh about stealing money, knowing he may go to prison] Peter... watch out for your cornhole, bud.
Peter Gibbons: I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary.
[Drunk, singing]
Samir: Back up in your ass with the resurrection.
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays"?
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.
Michael Bolton: Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place. You haven't been showing up and you get to keep your job.
Peter Gibbons: Actually, I'm being promoted.
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too...
Milton Waddams: The ratio of people to cake is too big.
Michael Bolton: You think the pet rock was a really great idea?
Tom Smykowski: Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago.
Peter Gibbons: Really, what was it, Tom?
Tom Smykowski: Well, all right. It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.
Lawrence: Doesn't that chick look like Anne?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, a little bit...
Lawrence: Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still goin' out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I guess... I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling like she's cheating on me.
Lawrence: Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
Peter Gibbons: What do you mean by that?
Lawrence: I don't know, man. I just get that feeling lookin' at her like she's the type of chick that just...
Peter Gibbons: Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?
Samir: Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.
Peter Gibbons: Illegal? Samir, this is America.
Peter Gibbons: Um, the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray.
Joanna: From the crippled children?
Peter Gibbons: No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray, the pennies for everybody.
Tom Smykowski: [Smykowski is in a full-body cast] Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me.
Peter Gibbons: So you guys are gonna fire Mike and Samir, and you're gonna give *me* more money?
Bob Porter: [nods] Uh-huh.
Peter Gibbons: Wow.
Peter Gibbons: Boy, I'll tell ya, some days... One of these days it's just gonna be like...
[He mimics the sound of a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, walks up and does the same and laughs]
Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter: So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?
Peter Gibbons: Just coffee.
Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter: Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.
Joanna: Why don't you just call me when you grow up! Oh, wait, you know what, that's probably never gonna happen, so just don't call me, OK?
[Joanna starts to close car door]
Peter Gibbons: Say hello to Lumbergh for me!
Samir: [trying to decide if he should go along with the virus plot] I have a question.
Peter Gibbons: Yes?
Samir: In... in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
Peter Gibbons: Yep, you sure can.
Samir: OK, I'll do it.
[Peter is wearing shorts, sandals and a paisley shirt, with his feet up on his desk, munching chips and playing tetris on his computer]
Bill Lumbergh: So, Peter, what's happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?
Peter Gibbons: No.
Bill Lumbergh: Ah. Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk. Hmm?
Peter Gibbons: Not right now, Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. In fact, look, I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.
Bill Lumbergh: I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, they called me at home.
[repeated line]
Nina: Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.
Joanna: You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there, Brian, why don't you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?
Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself.
Joanna: Yeah. You know what, yeah, I do. I do want to express myself, okay. And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it.
[flips off Stan]
Peter Gibbons: It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.
Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.
Samir: Is there some way to just give the money back?
Peter Gibbons: What? You mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing? I think they'd figure that out.
Peter Gibbons: You know, corporate accounting is sure as hell gonna notice $305,326.13, Michael!
Peter Gibbons: Hey, guys.
Michael Bolton: What's up, G?
Peter Gibbons: Want to go to Chotchkie's? Get some coffee?
Samir: Oh, it's a little early.
Peter Gibbons: I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it.
Female Temp: Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
Peter Gibbons: [discussing the possibility of going to prison] This isn't Riyadh. You know they're not gonna saw your hands off here, alright? The worst they would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! Shit, we should be so lucky! Do you know, they have conjugal visits there?
Samir: Really?
Peter Gibbons: Yes.
Michael Bolton: Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
Peter Gibbons: That's what I'm talkin' about when I talk about America!
Steve: I lied. Um... All that stuff I said about being a crack head? It just helps me sell magazines. I'm actually an unemployed... software engineer.
Peter Gibbons: You're a software engineer?
Steve: Yup.
[sighs]
Samir: Things, uh... it must be very rough for you.
Steve: Actually man, I make more money selling magazine subscriptions, than I ever did at Intertrode!
Michael Bolton: Tom, every week you say you're going to lose your job and you're still here.
Tom Smykowski: Not this time. I'll bet I'm the first one laid off! Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those SCUMBAGS...
Bob Slydell: [telling Lumbergh who's going to be fired] There's two more people we can easily lose, and then there's Tom Smykowski... He's useless.
[laughs]
Bob Slydell: Gone.
Drew: Hey, isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: Hmmm. Who's SHE here with?
Peter Gibbons: She's with me.
Drew: Really?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: All right, Peter! Ooh! Ooh! Right on... Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
Peter Gibbons: Why is that, Drew?
Drew: Are you kidding me? She gets around. All right?
Peter Gibbons: She does, does she?
Drew: Oh, yeah. Like a record.
Peter Gibbons: Like, with who?
Drew: Oh, let's see, uh... Hell, Lumbergh fucked her. Ha ha ha. Oh, let me see who else...
Peter Gibbons: [talking about the hypnotherapist he's about to see] Hey, he helped Anne lose weight.
Samir: Peter, she's anorexic!
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, he's really good.
Peter Gibbons: What if we're still doing this when we're fifty?
Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doing it, because, uh... because I'm a big pussy, which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Michael Bolton: Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy, okay?
Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy.
Peter Gibbons: [Explaining the plan] Alright so when the sub routine compounds the interest is uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the whole thing, we rounded them all down, drop the remainder into an account we opened.
Joanna: [Confused] So you're stealing?
Peter Gibbons: Ah no, you don't understand. It's very complicated. It's uh it's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here. And over time they add up to a lot.
Joanna: Oh okay. So you're gonna be making a lot of money, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Right. It's not yours?
Peter Gibbons: Well it becomes ours.
Joanna: How is that not stealing?
Peter Gibbons: [pauses] I don't think I'm explaining this very well.
Joanna: Okay.
Peter Gibbons: Um... the 7-11. You take a penny from the tray, right?
Joanna: From the cripple children?
Peter Gibbons: No that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray. You know the pennies that are for everybody?
Joanna: Oh for everybody. Okay.
Peter Gibbons: Well those are whole pennies, right? I'm just talking about fractions of a penny here. But we do it from a much bigger tray and we do it a couple a million times.
Source: imdb.com
Fun Buzzwords
1. blamestorming: A group process where participants analyze a failed project and look for scapegoats other than themselves.
2. Death by Tweakage: When a product or project fails due to unnecessary tinkering or too many last-minute revisions.
3. BMWs: Bitchers, Moaners and Whiners.
4. clockroaches: Employees who spend most of their day watching the clock - instead of doing their jobs
5. plutoed: To be unceremoniously dumped or relegated to a lower position without an adequate reason or explanation.
6. prairie dogging: A modern office phenomenon. Occurs when workers simultaneously pop their heads up out of their cubicles to see what's going on.
7. carbon-based error: Error caused by a human, not a computer (which we assume would be a silicon-based error).
8. menoporsche: Male menopause. Symptoms include a sudden lack of energy, crankiness and the overpowering urge to buy a Porsche.
9. adminisphere: The upper levels of management where big, impractical, and counterproductive decisions are made.
10. deja poo: The feeling that you've stepped in this bull before.
11. bobbleheading: The mass nod of agreement by participants in a meeting to comments made by the boss even though most have no idea what he/she just said.
12. ringtone rage: The violent response by cube mates after hearing your annoying cell phone ringtone for the 15th time.
13. muffin top: The unsightly roll of flesh that spills over the waist of a pair of too-tight
What is your Favourite Corp BS? Vote now by leaving a comment...
- Now is your chance to vote on the most irritating "new economy" buzzspeak that ought to be sent permanently packing to the "burst bubble hall of fame."
- Pull down the shade, "which means to get to the point and not tell a long story. This has to go."
- Dashboards, as in "where are we going, how fast, and what am I doing in this handbasket." Also officing, as in "I office, you office, he-she-it offices. Wouldn't it be nice to see these words returned to the automobile and the proper part of speech?"
- Work smarter, a "phrase that usually means that management has denied my salary increase but increased my workload."
- Benchmarking, "known in the old days as keeping up with the competition, this expression has all the wit of the kid who got busted in grade school for putting graffiti on the benches. In fact, maybe he's the one who foisted the phrase on us in the first place."
- Identity branding. "Madison Avenue was throwing slogans and logos at us for many decades before some genius came up with this one. Somebody pull the branding iron out of the fire and let's go put a mark on the genius."
- Stakeholders. "I can see the efficiency of consolidating all the terms for customers, vendors, affiliates etc. It's just that every time I hear this buzzword I picture the waiter clutching my Tri-Tip in his hands before finally putting it on the plate."
- Connect the dots and low-hanging fruit. "When used by new management it invariably means 'they brought me in and paid me alot of money to try something new. It didn't work out and we lost millions of dollars so now we are going back to our roots to connect the dots and focus on the low-hanging fruit.'
- Translation: The management that went before was actually pretty darn good. Too bad we sacked their pension fund."
- Noted, as in, " 'Did you get the results from your group's evaluation?' Answer: 'Noted.' What does 'noted' mean? Is the answer yes or no? Does this person not want to be held accountable?"
- Reorganize, " 'Please vote this proxy to reorganize your mutual fund,' as in 'we are combining all our blown-up funds into one so if you ever want to see your money again please put a 'yes' in the red box.' "
- Re-stated earnings are in line with expectations,"as in these numbers are
- lower than before but at least they are real."
- Heads-up. "After all, it seems we've had our collective heads up our
- collective >>>> oops, long enough."
- Thinking outside the box, living our mission statement, paradigm shift. "These need to go. Right now. Go, and don't look back."
- Digitalwise. "Eliminate or drastically reduce the use of adding 'wise' to other words."
- Downsizing, rightsizing, smartsizing. "Layoffs of the small folks so the big folks can keep their jobs even though they are the ones who could not anticipate a financial crisis." (We received numerous submissions for these buzzwords, including the note that "right-sizing should be down-sized.")
- Upskill, as in, " 'If you do not upskill yourself, you will be unemployable/underemployable, we may be forced to downsize/smartsize our organization, in this current economic climate.' Yeah, a 'diplomatic' way of saying we don't want to pay you any more, however we still need the benefit of your intellectual capital so you are welcome to work here while we pick your brain!!"
- Proactive. "What that means is, we're going to second-guess the problem the customer will have next, 'fix it,' and not have to be 'reactive' (another word to eliminate!). However, we'll guess wrong, and then have to do ANOTHER 'fix' to change the real problem. Managers don't care, but the worker-bees working lots of hours (on
- salary, not overtime!) making all these changes don't particularly like it!"
- Charged, "as in 'I've been charged with leading this project.' Isn't 'I'm leading this project' simple enough?"
- Partnering surely needs to go.
- Ibid for value-added.
- Push back, a term "invariably uttered by your boss when another department head doesn't agree with the proposal you're carrying. 'You should go push back on him.' No. He already said no, do your own pushing."
- Critically important. "Something can be critical, and it can be important, but when it becomes critically important it seems to diffuse any importance or criticalness the thing might have actually had. In other words, my B.S. radar is up!"
- The fundamentals have changed. " 'The
- fundamentals have changed, so please buy my stock, but don't expect my
- company to actually earn money like those stodgy Fortune 500 companies
- of old.' Fundamentals don't change. That's why they call them fundamentals!"
- We'll go from there. "I have found that people who use that phrase are either hiding from whatever 'there' refers to, or are too short-sighted and lazy to see where 'there' really is. Drives me crazy and makes me suspicious. 'There' is usually good for CEOs, bad for everyone else, especially workers."
- Impact, "as in 'increased activity in the Asian markets impacts our bottom line.' Not only is it clunky prose, it is incorrect! Worse: 'has impacted,' which any
- dentist will tell you means your wisdom teeth need to be extracted."
- At the end of the day, as in, "At the end of the day we'll fire 17,000 people and file Chapter 11."
- Disconnect, as in, "Oops, we put 4 billion in the wrong column. Darn. Must've been a disconnect."
- Synergy/synergistic, as in the most overused word in technology-company marketing materials. Evah.
- Grow, as in, "Let's grow the biz, make a gazillion dollars off shareholders, then sell it all before anyone knows we're under SEC investigation."
Yet More
At the end of the day
Solution
Thinking outside the box
Synergy
Paradigm
Metrics
Take it offline
Redeployed people
On the runway
Win-win
Value-added
Get on the same page
Customer centric
Generation X
Accountability management
Core competency
Alignment
Incremental
Going forward
Getting buy-in
Strategic partnership/alliance
Value proposition
On the same page
buzzword bingo
(BUZ.wurd bing.go) n. A word game played during corporate meetings. Players are issued bingo-like cards with lists of buzzwords such as paradigm and proactive. Players check off these words as they come up in the meeting, and the first to fill in a "line" of words is the winner.
Example Citation:
[In] cubicles and conference rooms at companies from annuity sellers to paper distributors, drones and peons are slyly mocking the new corporate culture — and their cliche-spouting bosses. One of their weapons is an underground game called buzzword bingo, which works like a surreptitious form of regular bingo. Buzzwords — "incent," "proactive, "impactfulness," for example — are preselected and placed on a bingo-like card in random boxes. Players sit in meetings and conferences and silently check off buzzwords as their bosses spout them; the first to fill in a complete line wins. But, in deference to the setting, the winner typically coughs instead of shouting out "bingo."
"Buzzword bingo arose as a reaction against half-truth and responsibility-dodging" in the workplace, says former Silicon Graphics Inc. software engineer Chris Pirazzi. When Mr. Pirazzi, now a software engineer elsewhere, worked at the hightech company, he wrote bingo cards featuring phrases like, "At Stanford, we . . ." (In Silicon Valley, it's hip to let people know you attended Stanford University.)
The game, by all accounts, began at Silicon Graphics in Mountain View, Calif. Tom Davis, a scientist and one of the company's founders, says that one day in early 1993, he was sitting in the office of a friend who had scrawled corporate-speak on his blackboard. A light bulb went off, and Mr. Davis wrote a computer program to generate bingo cards filled with the jargon he had seen, plus motivational cliches like "Step up to it." He says he coined the name "buzzword bingo" and passed the cards along to colleagues with a note written in the spirit of the new game: "The ball's in your court."
—Elizabeth Macdonald and Asra Q. Nomani, "Lots of Executives Become Fair Game ForBuzzword Bingo," The Wall Street Journal, June 8, 1998
Earliest Citation:
The Nation is not in total decline. Down in Silicon Valley, some high-tech workers have invented a subversive low-tech game called "buzzword bingo." Copies of buzzword bingo boards are all over the Valley, and two have been forwarded here from Sun Microsystems.
Here's how to play: Each person attending a business meeting takes different buzzword bingo boards, which look like regular bingo boards, but instead of numbers in each square, there are buzzwords. When one of the buzzwords is spoken at the meeting, players put a coin on its square. First one with a straight line wins.
The buzzwords in buzzword bingo include: "Whatever it takes," "Impact" (as a verb), "Win-win," "Scenarios," "Hot button," "Up to speed," "Bite the bullet," "Ball's in your court," "Pass the baton," "Functionality freeze," "Proactive," "State of the art," "Leading edge," and more, many more, as any meeting-goer could attest.
—Rob Morse, "Fun and games for the '90s," April 18, 1993
Notes:
How did buzzword bingo become so popular? After its invention in 1993, it remained a mostly underground phenomenon until 1994. Then the comic strip Dilbert (that dead-on deflator of business stupidity and pretentiousness) ran a strip in which one character offered another a "buzzword bingo" card as they were entering a meeting. He explained that if the boss uses a buzzword listed on the card, it gets checked off, and the goal, as in regular bingo, is to get five in a row. The game spread quickly after that, and when TheWall Street Journal ran a front-page story about the game in 1998 (see the example citation, above), and it became a full-fledged hit.
Buzzword bingo is appealing not only because most business meetings are deadly dull, but also because you get the feeling that most of the people spouting these buzzwords are doing it only to sound important. (That is, in fact, the definition of a buzzword: "An an often-used word or phrase that sounds more important than it really is, used primarily to impress other people.")
The MBA Jargon Exhaustive list
- actionable (adj.)
- Capable of being acted on or completed in the near future. "Which items on our list are actionable in the next quarter?" I recommend showering after using this one. Note: "actionable" has a long-standing legal meaning different from the above.
- at the end of the day
- Based on the frequency with which they use the phrase, it would seem that members of senior management are required by law to begin every third sentence with "at the end of the day," a phrase similar in meaning to "when all is said and done." For instance, your favorite CEO might say, "At the end of the day, it's our people that make the difference." Insert platitude here.
- bandwidth (n.)
- Plan your work well lest ye run out of "bandwidth," or physical, mental or emotional capacity. Spake our friend Frank B. Kern, Internet Guru, "....I just don't have the bandwidth to handle this at the minute," meaning "I don't have the manpower or ability to handle this at the minute."
- best of breed (n. and adj.)
- The finest specimen or example to be found in a particular industry or market. Like Papillons preening for the judges, companies position themselves as best-of-breed. In truth, however, few ever make it through the qualifiers.
- best practices (n.)
- Another widely used term promulgated by the arch-demons of business - management consultants - "best practices" is used to describe the "best" techniques or methods in use in a company, field, or industry. Unfortunately, companies often confuse latest or trendiest with best, and the best practices of one era are soon superseded by the ever-more-ludicrous fads of the next.
- boil the ocean (v. phrase)
- Clearly the least efficient way to produce a pile of salt. If a member of the corporate pantheon suggests you are trying to "boil the ocean," he or she thinks you are doing something incredibly inefficiently. It's time to prepare your resume, Einstein.
- bring to the table (v. phrase)
- Refers to what one offers or provides, especially in negotiations. Personally, I bring a fork.
- business model (n.)
- An amorphous term having to do with identifying the specific ways in which a business creates value, or simply put, how it sells stuff for more than it costs. I'll show you my business plan if you show me yours.
- buy-in (n.)
- A cute way of saying "agreement" or "consent." If you hope to get anything done in today's corporation, you'll need management buy-in.
- centers of excellence
- Certainly beats centers of failure. Most companies have a nice set of both.
- circle back around (v.)
- A very roundabout (pardon the pun) way of saying "Let's regroup later to discuss."
- circle with (v.)
- Like its cousin "circle back around," it means "to meet and/or discuss with." Usage example: "Why don't you circle with Robert tomorrow to discuss the Ebbers case?" I can't help but envision two well-dressed exec types holding hands and madly circling around to the delight of everyone in their cubicle farm.
- c-level (adj.)
- Those modest, hardworking souls at the top of your org chart: CEO, COO, CFO, CIO, CPO, CTO, Chief Dog Walker, etc.
- close the loop (v. phrase)
- To follow up on and/or close out an area of discussion. Closely related to "circle back around" and "loop in."
- commoditize (v.); commoditized (adj.)
- A great fear and apprehension in business is having your product or service become "commoditized," or turned into Just Another Mediocre Piece of Junk (JAMPoJ to those in the know), completely undifferentiated from its peers.
- componentize (v.)
- Nigh unpronounceable, this gremlin means "to turn into a component." For what purpose will forever remain a mystery.
- core competencies (n.)
- Simply put, it means "what the company does best." When a company focuses on its core competencies, it gets back to basics. I recommend leveraging these.
- critical path (n.)
- A sequence of events where a slip in any one activity generates a slip in the overall schedule. Used extensively in the exciting world of project management. Not to be confused with "criminal path," which is a sequence of events that leads to jail, a la Andy Fastow of Enron fame.
- cycles (n.)
- A reference to computer processing cycles, this one can be used interchangeably with bandwidth. Either way, it's a bad idea comparing yourself or another humanoid to an indefatigable machine. You'll lose.
- deliverables (n.)
- Denoting project output or assignments, "deliverables" are often "tasked" (see below), but seldom completed.
- descope (v.)
- Please see "scope" on page 2.
- dial-in (v.)
- Despite the obvious reference to a telephone, this one means to "include." For example, "We need to dial-in the materials list."
- dialogue (v.)
- It's true that Shakespeare used "dialogue" as a verb ("Dost Dialogue with thy shadow?"). But I've got news for ya, buddy: You ain't no Shakespeare. Resist the temptation to use this utterly superfluous verb as a substitute for "talk" or "speak." Usage example: “Let’s dialogue telephonically via land line," meaning "call me at the office." Sigh.
- disintermediate
- In the bleak days before the arrival of our savior, the Web, Big Tony used to claim that he had "eliminated the middleman to bring direct savings to you." Big Tony used a shotgun to eliminate ("disintermediate") intermediaries in the supply chain; today's companies use the Internet.
- disambiguate (v.)
- This mouthful began life in the exciting field of linguistics only to be co-opted by the high-tech business set. It means to settle on a single interpretation or meaning for a piece of data, or to bring meaning and order to ambiguity. Much like this Web site.
- disincent
- The third member of the incent-incentivize-disincent axis of evil.
- drill-down (v.)
- To get down to the details. One starts at a "high-level" and "drills down" to the boring details - where exectutives fear to tread.
- drinking the kool-aid (v. phrase)
- A rather tasteless reference to the Jonestown massacre of 1978, "drink the kool-aid" means to accept something fully and (oftentimes) blindly.
- driver (n.)
- If you think this one has something to do with the people who drive trucks, you're wrong (but I still like you). It refers to the factors or agents that move something forward: "What are the key drivers of organizational change?"
- eat(ing) your own dog food (v. phrase)
- When your company starts using its own products internally and suddenly realizes why the rest of the world hates them so much.
- ecosystem (n.)
- Companies now longer participate in industries; they inhabit vast ecosystems comprised of consumers, partners, innocent bystanders, and, increasingly, competitors. The idea is to be at the center of your ecosystem, so integral to its operations that the actions of all other participants seem to benefit you as much as them (also see Network Effects). But remember to look out for lions.
- elevator story (n.)
- A pitch to a corporate executive, or bored janitor, as the elevator goes from floors 1-10 and you have a captive audience. Also the name of an upcoming Tom Hanks movie.
- enabler (n.)
- Like your dysfunctional family, business is full of enablers - things that enable something else, often of a self-destructive nature. For instance, were you aware that "Total Facilities Management is a Core Business Enabler"? Weird, I wasn't either.
- end-to-end (adj.)
- Seemingly naughty, this one means "complete, from the front-end (the end that faces the customer) to the back-end (your back office, which no one sees)." Try to avoid this one in mixed company.
- facetime (n.)
- A foreign concept to many of us in the Internet world, "facetime"refers to time spent speaking face to face, especially to senior management. For example, “I need to arrange some facetime with you next week.”
- feature/scope creep (n.)
- The temptation to add more and more features to a product release until it becomes a confused mass of incongruous elements, twisted and evil.
- functionality (n.)
- Simply meaning "functions" or "features," this one has gained widespread currency.
- gain traction (v.)
- To gain momentum or acceptance. "Cisco's new routers are gaining traction in the marketplace."
- going forward (adv.)
- Meaning "in the future" or "from now on." For instance: "Going forward, we see our gross margins increasing as our new high-margin products gain traction."
- granular (adj.); granularity (n.)
- Getting down to the fine details, the nitty-gritty. Busy people might stop you mid-sentence if you get too granular. Like sand through an hourglass, these are the days of our lives.
- go-live (adj. and v.)
- A new product or system becomes available to the public on its "go-live" date. Presumably, the same product or system will "go-dead" soon thereafter.
- heads-up (n. sorta)
- "This is a heads-up" is a very American way of saying, "I'm telling you this now because xyz item is hurdling in your direction and you're going to need to do something or get out of the way." It's simultaneously a notice and a warning.
- helicopter view (n.)
- See "at 30,000 feet".
- high-level (adj.)
- Senior executives, far-sighted individual with godlike abilities to see the big picture, want anything brought to their attention to be "high-level", that is, neatly summarized and dumbed down so they can understand all the techno mumbo jumbo.
- incent (v. tr.)
- A transitive verb meaning "encourage" or "influence": "The program was set up to incent users to spend more." Also the leading member of the incent-incentivize-disincent axis of evil.
- incentivize (v. tr)
- The second member of the incent-incentivize-disincent axis of evil.
- instantiate (v.)
- The unholy offspring of "instant" and "substantiate," "instantiate" means to verify or document an instance of a particular behavior or issue.
- leapfrog (v.)
- To surpass your competition, usually by engaging in one gigantic, hopelessly ambitious leap of faith that is almost sure to end in ruin and despair. Bring a parachute, golden or other.
- learnings (n.)
- Word favored by consultant-types meaning "something learned." Apparently, "lesson" wouldn't do despite 500 years of continuous use in the English language.
- leverage (v. tr)
- The grandpappy of nouns turned verbs, "leverage" is used indiscriminately to describe how a resource can be applied to a particular environment or situation. "We intend to leverage our investment in IT infrastructure across our business units to drive profits."
- level set (v.)
- To get everyone on the same page, singing from the same choir sheet, etc. Why neither of these tired, but well-understood perennials is good enough is beyond me. I guess "level set" just has that I-am-slightly-smarter-than-you-all ring to it.
- long-pole item (n.)
- Those of you who enjoy the occasional camping trip may recognize the provenance of this one: The long pole holds up the center of the tent and is therefore the most essential structural item. Likewise, a "long-pole item" is the most essential element of a system or plan, upon which all other elements depend. A linchpin, as it were.
- loop in (v.); keep in the loop (v. phrase)
- Used by loopy people who mean to say, "to keep apprised."
- low-hanging fruit (n.)
- The easy pickings, the obvious steps that an organization should take to improve its performance or take advantage of new opportunities.
- mindshare (n.)
- Sorta like "marketshare," but without the revenue and sounding a whole lot creepier. Don't use this one around Vulcans.
- mission-critical (adj.)
- Meaning "critical to the functioning or success of a business or project," this one is generally used in reference in insanely expensive computer hardware that should be bulletproof, but, alas, is not.
- modularize (v.)
- To turn into a training module. Say, you start off with a simple piece of information that anyone with a 6th grade education and a quartet of functioning brain cells would instantly grasp. To justify your position as a highly paid corporate trainer, you might try to veil this information in a cloak of incomprehensibility, rendering the straightforward a smelly pile of jargonous bile. Indeed, the information has been modularized.
- monetize (v.)
- The noble mission of Web slingers everywhere: figuring out how to make money off each page view, visitor (eyeballs), or anything else. If you work at an Internet company, you've used this term... don't lie. Hell, even I've used this term.
Source: mbajargonwatch.com
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