Drew: I'm thinking I might take that new chick from Logistics. If things go well I might be showing her my O-face. "Oh... Oh... Oh!" You know what I'm talkin' about. "Oh!"
Bob Slydell: I'll be honest with you, I love his music. I do. I'm a Michael Bolton fan. For my money, I don't know if it gets any better than when he sings "When a Man Loves a Woman".
Tom Smykowski: It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor... and would have different CONCLUSIONS written on it that you could JUMP TO.
Michael Bolton: That's the worst idea I've ever heard in my life, Tom.
Samir: Yes, this is horrible, this idea.
Samir: This is a... fuck!
Lawrence: We still goin' fishin' this weekend?
Peter Gibbons: Nah, Lumbergh's gonna have me come in on Saturday, I just know it.
Lawrence: Well, you can get out of that easily.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah? How?
Lawrence: Well, when a boss wants you to work on Saturday he generally asks you at the end of the day, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Lawrence: So, all you gotta do is avoid him... on the last few hours on Friday, duck out early, turn off your answering machine... you should be home free, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's a really good idea.
Lawrence: Fuckin' A, man!
Bill Lumbergh: [in Peter's dream, Lumbergh is oiled up and having sex] You can just go ahead and move a little bit to the left. Yeah, that's it. Great.
Dom Portwood: Hi, Peter. What's happening? We need to talk about your TPS reports.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. The coversheet. I know, I know. Uh, Bill talked to me about it.
Dom Portwood: Yeah. Did you get that memo?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I got the memo. And I understand the policy. And the problem is just that I forgot the one time. And I've already taken care of it so it's not even really a problem anymore.
Dom Portwood: Ah! Yeah. It's just we're putting new coversheets on all the TPS reports before they go out now. So if you could go ahead and try to remember to do that from now on, that'd be great. All right!
Bob Slydell: Would you bear with me for just a second, please?
Peter Gibbons: OK.
Bob Slydell: What if - and believe me this is a hypothetical - but what if you were offered some kind of a stock option equity sharing program. Would that do anything for you?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, I guess. Listen, I'm gonna go. It's been really nice talking to both of you guys.
Bob Slydell: Absolutely, the pleasure's all on this side of the table, trust me.
Peter Gibbons: Good luck with your layoffs, all right? I hope your firings go really well.
Bob Porter: Excellent.
Bob Slydell: Great... Wow.
Peter Gibbons: [about the plan to steal from Initech] Before we go any further, all right, we have to swear to God, Allah, that nobody knows about this but us, all right? No family members, no girlfriends, nobody.
Samir: Of course.
Michael Bolton: Agreed,
Lawrence: [from the next apartment through the wall] Don't worry, man. I won't tell anyone either.
Michael Bolton: Who the fuck is that?
Peter Gibbons: Uh, don't worry about him. He's cool.
[Peter and Lawrence are working on the crew cleaning up the burned Initech building]
Peter Gibbons: This isn't so bad, huh? Makin' bucks, gettin' exercise, workin' outside.
Lawrence: Fuckin' A.
Peter Gibbons: [nods] Fuckin' A.
[Peter, Michael, and Samir are chatting as they hang around the printer]
Peter Gibbons: Our high school guidance counselor used to ask us what you'd do if you had a million dollars and you didn't have to work. And invariably what you'd say was supposed to be your career. So, if you wanted to fix old cars then you're supposed to be an auto mechanic.
Samir: So what did you say?
Peter Gibbons: I never had an answer. I guess that's why I'm working at Initech.
Michael Bolton: No, you're working at Initech because that question is bullshit to begin with. If everyone listened to her, there'd be no janitors, because no one would clean shit up if they had a million dollars.
Samir: You know what I would do if I had a million dollars? I would invest half of it in low risk mutual funds and then take the other half over to my friend Asadulah who works in securities...
Michael Bolton: Samir, you're missing the point. The point of the exercise is that you're supposed to figure out what you would want to do if...
[printer starts beeping]
Michael Bolton: "PC Load Letter"? What the fuck does that mean?
Peter Gibbons: The thing is, Bob, it's not that I'm lazy, it's that I just don't care.
Bob Porter: Don't... don't care?
Peter Gibbons: It's a problem of motivation, all right? Now if I work my ass off and Initech ships a few extra units, I don't see another dime, so where's the motivation? And here's something else, Bob: I have eight different bosses right now.
Bob Slydell: I beg your pardon?
Peter Gibbons: Eight bosses.
Bob Slydell: Eight?
Peter Gibbons: Eight, Bob. So that means that when I make a mistake, I have eight different people coming by to tell me about it. That's my only real motivation is not to be hassled, that and the fear of losing my job. But you know, Bob, that will only make someone work just hard enough not to get fired.
Joanna: How dare you judge me? I mean what are you? You think you're some kind of, like, angel here? No, you're just this penny-stealing... wanna-be criminal... man.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, well, that may be. But at least I never slept with Lumbergh.
Lawrence: [shouting through the wall from his apartment] Hey Peter, man, check out channel 9, check out this chick.
Samir: No, not again. I... why does it say paper jam when there is no paper jam? I swear to God, one of these days, I just kick this piece of shit out the window.
Michael Bolton: You and me both, man. That thing is lucky I'm not armed.
Samir: Piece of shit.
Peter Gibbons: What would you do if you had a million dollars?
Lawrence: I'll tell you what I'd do, man: two chicks at the same time, man.
Peter Gibbons: That's it? If you had a million dollars, you'd do two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Damn straight. I always wanted to do that, man. And I think if I were a millionaire I could hook that up, too; 'cause chicks dig dudes with money.
Peter Gibbons: Well, not all chicks.
Lawrence: Well, the type of chicks that'd double up on a dude like me do.
Peter Gibbons: Good point.
Lawrence: Well, what about you now? what would you do?
Peter Gibbons: Besides two chicks at the same time?
Lawrence: Well, yeah.
Peter Gibbons: Nothing.
Lawrence: Nothing, huh?
Peter Gibbons: I would relax... I would sit on my ass all day... I would do nothing.
Lawrence: Well, you don't need a million dollars to do nothing, man. Take a look at my cousin: he's broke, don't do shit.
Samir: No one in this country can ever pronounce my name right. It's not that hard: Na-ghee-na-na-jar. Nagheenanajar.
Michael Bolton: Yeah, well, at least your name isn't Michael Bolton.
Samir: You know, there's nothing wrong with that name.
Michael Bolton: There *was* nothing wrong with it... until I was about twelve years old and that no-talent ass clown became famous and started winning Grammys.
Samir: Hmm... well, why don't you just go by Mike instead of Michael?
Michael Bolton: No way! Why should I change? He's the one who sucks.
Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: In... yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What's that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: Oh, really? About an hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
Peter Gibbons: You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.
Joanna: Well, so what do you wanna do?
Peter Gibbons: I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my apartment and watch 'Kung Fu'. Do you ever watch 'Kung Fu'?
Joanna: I love 'Kung Fu'.
Peter Gibbons: Channel 39.
Peter Gibbons: You should come over and watch 'Kung Fu' tonight.
Joanna: Ok. Can we order lunch first?
[Peter nods again]
Bob Slydell: You see, what we're actually trying to do here is, we're trying to get a feel for how people spend their day at work... so, if you would, would you walk us through a typical day, for you?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Bob Slydell: Great.
Peter Gibbons: Well, I generally come in at least fifteen minutes late, ah, I use the side door - that way Lumbergh can't see me, heh heh - and, uh, after that I just sorta space out for about an hour.
Bob Porter: Da-uh? Space out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, I just stare at my desk; but it looks like I'm working. I do that for probably another hour after lunch, too. I'd say in a given week I probably only do about fifteen minutes of real, actual, work.
Bob Slydell: I'd like to move us right along to a Peter Gibbons. Now we had a chance to meet this young man, and boy that's just a straight shooter with upper management written all over him.
Steve: Good evening Sir, my name is Steve. I come from a rough area. I used to be addicted to crack but now I am off it and trying to stay clean. That is why I am selling magazine subscriptions.
Michael Bolton: We get caught laundering money, we're not going to white-collar resort prison. No, no, no. We're going to federal POUND ME IN THE ASS prison.
Samir: I don't want to go to ANY prison!
Peter Gibbons: Lawrence, you awake?
Peter Gibbons: You wanna come over?
Lawrence: No, thanks, man. I don't want you fucking up my life, too.
Peter Gibbons: So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life.
Dr. Swanson: What about today? Is today the worst day of your life?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Dr. Swanson: Wow, that's messed up.
Bob Porter: Looks like you've been missing a lot of work lately.
Peter Gibbons: I wouldn't say I've been *missing* it, Bob.
Bob Slydell: Milton Waddams.
Dom Portwood: Who's he?
Bob Porter: You know, squirrely looking guy, mumbles a lot.
Dom Portwood: Oh, yeah.
Bob Slydell: Yeah, we can't actually find a record of him being a current employee here.
Bob Porter: I looked into it more deeply and I found that apparently what happened is that he was laid off five years ago and no one ever told him about it; but through some kind of glitch in the payroll department, he still gets a paycheck.
Bob Slydell: So we just went ahead and fixed the glitch.
Bill Lumbergh: Great.
Dom Portwood: So, uh, Milton has been let go?
Bob Slydell: Well, just a second there, professor. We, uh, we fixed the *glitch*. So he won't be receiving a paycheck anymore, so it'll just work itself out naturally.
Bob Porter: We always like to avoid confrontation, whenever possible. Problem is solved from your end.
Peter Gibbons: You're gonna lay off Samir and Michael?
Bob Slydell: Oh yeah, we're gonna bring in some entry-level graduates, farm some work out to Singapore, that's the usual deal.
Bob Porter: Standard operating procedure.
Peter Gibbons: Do they know this yet?
Bob Slydell: No. No, of course not. We find it's always better to fire people on a Friday. Studies have statistically shown that there's less chance of an incident if you do it at the end of the week.
Milton Waddams: [talking on the phone] And I said, I don't care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I'm, I'm quitting, I'm going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they've moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn't bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it's not okay because if they take my stapler then I'll set the building on fire...
Nina: Now Milton, don't be greedy, let's pass it along and make sure everyone gets a piece.
Milton Waddams: Yeah, but last time I didn't receive a piece. And I was told...
Nina: Just pass.
[while the cake passes Milton mutters - eventually everybody but Milton gets a piece]
Milton Waddams: [muttering] I could set the building on fire.
Bill Lumbergh: Milt, we're gonna need to go ahead and move you downstairs into storage B. We have some new people coming in, and we need all the space we can get. So if you could just go ahead and pack up your stuff and move it down there, that would be terrific, OK?
Milton Waddams: Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...
Milton Waddams: Excuse me? Excuse me, senor? May I speak to you please? I asked for a mai tai, and they brought me a pina colada, and I said no salt, NO salt for the margarita, but it had salt on it, big grains of salt, floating in the glass...
Mexican Waiter: Lo siento mucho, senor.
[Under his breath]
Mexican Waiter: Pinche gringo.
Milton Waddams: [as the waiter walks away] And yes, I won't be leaving a tip, 'cause I could... I could shut this whole resort down. Sir? I'll take my traveler's checks to a competing resort. I could write a letter to your board of tourism and I could have this place condemned. I could put... I could put... strychnine in the guacamole. There was salt on the glass, BIG grains of salt.
Peter Gibbons: What am I gonna do with 40 subscriptions to Vibe?
Peter Gibbons: Doesn't it bother you that you have to get up in the morning and you have to put on a bunch of pieces of flair?
Joanna: Yeah, but I'm not about to go in and start taking money from the register.
Peter Gibbons: Well, maybe you should. You know, the Nazis had pieces of flair that they made the Jews wear.
Bob Porter: We're gonna be getting rid of these people here... First, Mr. Samir Naga... Naga... Naga... Not gonna work here anymore, anyway.
[Stuck in traffic]
Samir: Mother... shitter... Son of an... ass. I just...
[punches steering wheel]
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, and remember: next Friday... is Hawaiian shirt day. So, you know, if you want to, go ahead and wear a Hawaiian shirt and jeans.
Rob Newhouse: Conjugal visits? Mmmm. Not that I know of. Y'know, minimum-security prison is no picnic. I have a client in there right now. He says the trick is: kick someone's ass the first day, or become someone's bitch. Then everything will be all right. W-Why do you ask, anyway?
Milton Waddams: I was told that I could listen to the radio at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven, I told Bill that if Sandra is going to listen to her headphones while she's filing then I should be able to listen to the radio while I'm collating so I don't see why I should have to turn down the radio because I enjoy listening at a reasonable volume from nine to eleven.
Milton Waddams: Mr. Lumbergh told me to talk to payroll and then payroll told me to talk to Mr. Lumbergh and I still haven't received my paycheck and he took my stapler and he never brought it back and then they moved my desk to storage room B and there was garbage on it...
Tom Smykowski: Well-well look. I already told you: I deal with the god damn customers so the engineers don't have to. I have people skills; I am good at dealing with people. Can't you understand that? What the hell is wrong with you people?
Michael Bolton: Peter, you're in deep shit. You were supposed to come in on Saturday. What were you doing?
Peter Gibbons: Michael, I did nothing. I did absolutely nothing, and it was everything that I thought it could be.
Lawrence: [as Peter leaves to confess to Lumbergh about stealing money, knowing he may go to prison] Peter... watch out for your cornhole, bud.
Peter Gibbons: I can't believe what a bunch of nerds we are. We're looking up "money laundering" in a dictionary.
Samir: Back up in your ass with the resurrection.
Peter Gibbons: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday and you're not feeling real well, does anyone ever say to you, "Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays"?
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you'd get your ass kicked sayin' something like that, man.
Michael Bolton: Samir and I are the best programmers they got at that place. You haven't been showing up and you get to keep your job.
Peter Gibbons: Actually, I'm being promoted.
Bill Lumbergh: Oh, oh, and I almost forgot. Ahh, I'm also gonna need you to go ahead and come in on Sunday, too...
Milton Waddams: The ratio of people to cake is too big.
Michael Bolton: You think the pet rock was a really great idea?
Tom Smykowski: Sure it was. The guy made a million dollars. You know, I had an idea like that once. A long time ago.
Peter Gibbons: Really, what was it, Tom?
Tom Smykowski: Well, all right. It was a "Jump to Conclusions" mat. You see, it would be this mat that you would put on the floor, and it would have different conclusions written on it that you could jump to.
Lawrence: Doesn't that chick look like Anne?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, a little bit...
Lawrence: Hey, she hasn't been over here in a while. You two still goin' out?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah. I guess... I don't know. Sometimes I get the feeling like she's cheating on me.
Lawrence: Yeah, I get that feeling too, man.
Peter Gibbons: What do you mean by that?
Lawrence: I don't know, man. I just get that feeling lookin' at her like she's the type of chick that just...
Peter Gibbons: Look, I don't know about you guys, but I'm tired of being pushed around. Aren't you?
Samir: Yes, Peter, but I'm not going to do anything illegal.
Peter Gibbons: Illegal? Samir, this is America.
Peter Gibbons: Um, the 7-Eleven, right? You take a penny from the tray.
Joanna: From the crippled children?
Peter Gibbons: No, that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray, the pennies for everybody.
Tom Smykowski: [Smykowski is in a full-body cast] Just remember, if you hang in there long enough, good things can happen in this world. I mean, look at me.
Peter Gibbons: So you guys are gonna fire Mike and Samir, and you're gonna give *me* more money?
Bob Porter: [nods] Uh-huh.
Peter Gibbons: Wow.
Peter Gibbons: Boy, I'll tell ya, some days... One of these days it's just gonna be like...
[He mimics the sound of a machine gun. Brian, a waiter, walks up and does the same and laughs]
Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter: So can I get you gentlemen something more to drink? Or maybe something to nibble on? Some Pizza Shooters, Shrimp Poppers, or Extreme Fajitas?
Peter Gibbons: Just coffee.
Brian, Chotchkie's Waiter: Okay. Sounds like a case of the Mondays.
Joanna: Why don't you just call me when you grow up! Oh, wait, you know what, that's probably never gonna happen, so just don't call me, OK?
[Joanna starts to close car door]
Peter Gibbons: Say hello to Lumbergh for me!
Samir: [trying to decide if he should go along with the virus plot] I have a question.
Peter Gibbons: Yes?
Samir: In... in these conjugal visits, you can have sex with women?
Peter Gibbons: Yep, you sure can.
Samir: OK, I'll do it.
[Peter is wearing shorts, sandals and a paisley shirt, with his feet up on his desk, munching chips and playing tetris on his computer]
Bill Lumbergh: So, Peter, what's happening? Aahh, now, are you going to go ahead and have those TPS reports for us this afternoon?
Peter Gibbons: No.
Bill Lumbergh: Ah. Yeah. So I guess we should probably go ahead and have a little talk. Hmm?
Peter Gibbons: Not right now, Lumbergh, I'm kinda busy. In fact, look, I'm gonna have to ask you to just go ahead and come back another time. I got a meeting with the Bobs in a couple of minutes.
Bill Lumbergh: I wasn't aware of a meeting with them.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, they called me at home.
Nina: Corporate accounts payable, Nina speaking. Just a moment.
Joanna: You know what, Stan, if you want me to wear 37 pieces of flair, like your pretty boy over there, Brian, why don't you just make the minimum 37 pieces of flair?
Stan, Chotchkie's Manager: Well, I thought I remembered you saying that you wanted to express yourself.
Joanna: Yeah. You know what, yeah, I do. I do want to express myself, okay. And I don't need 37 pieces of flair to do it.
[flips off Stan]
Peter Gibbons: It's not just about me and my dream of doing nothing. It's about all of us. I don't know what happened to me at that hypnotherapist and, I don't know, maybe it was just shock and it's wearing off now, but when I saw that fat man keel over and die - Michael, we don't have a lot of time on this earth! We weren't meant to spend it this way. Human beings were not meant to sit in little cubicles staring at computer screens all day, filling out useless forms and listening to eight different bosses drone on about about mission statements.
Michael Bolton: I told those fudge-packers I liked Michael Bolton's music.
Peter Gibbons: Oh. That is not right, Michael.
Samir: Is there some way to just give the money back?
Peter Gibbons: What? You mean just hand them a check for the exact amount they're missing? I think they'd figure that out.
Peter Gibbons: You know, corporate accounting is sure as hell gonna notice $305,326.13, Michael!
Peter Gibbons: Hey, guys.
Michael Bolton: What's up, G?
Peter Gibbons: Want to go to Chotchkie's? Get some coffee?
Samir: Oh, it's a little early.
Peter Gibbons: I gotta get outta here. I think I'm gonna lose it.
Female Temp: Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody's got a case of the Mondays.
Peter Gibbons: [discussing the possibility of going to prison] This isn't Riyadh. You know they're not gonna saw your hands off here, alright? The worst they would ever do is they would put you for a couple of months into a white-collar, minimum-security resort! Shit, we should be so lucky! Do you know, they have conjugal visits there?
Peter Gibbons: Yes.
Michael Bolton: Shit. I'm a free man and I haven't had a conjugal visit in six months.
Peter Gibbons: That's what I'm talkin' about when I talk about America!
Steve: I lied. Um... All that stuff I said about being a crack head? It just helps me sell magazines. I'm actually an unemployed... software engineer.
Peter Gibbons: You're a software engineer?
Samir: Things, uh... it must be very rough for you.
Steve: Actually man, I make more money selling magazine subscriptions, than I ever did at Intertrode!
Michael Bolton: Tom, every week you say you're going to lose your job and you're still here.
Tom Smykowski: Not this time. I'll bet I'm the first one laid off! Just the thought of having to go to the state unemployment office and stand in line with those SCUMBAGS...
Bob Slydell: [telling Lumbergh who's going to be fired] There's two more people we can easily lose, and then there's Tom Smykowski... He's useless.
Bob Slydell: Gone.
Drew: Hey, isn't that the girl that works over at Chotchkie's?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: Hmmm. Who's SHE here with?
Peter Gibbons: She's with me.
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Drew: All right, Peter! Ooh! Ooh! Right on... Make sure you wear a rubber, dude.
Peter Gibbons: Why is that, Drew?
Drew: Are you kidding me? She gets around. All right?
Peter Gibbons: She does, does she?
Drew: Oh, yeah. Like a record.
Peter Gibbons: Like, with who?
Drew: Oh, let's see, uh... Hell, Lumbergh fucked her. Ha ha ha. Oh, let me see who else...
Peter Gibbons: [talking about the hypnotherapist he's about to see] Hey, he helped Anne lose weight.
Samir: Peter, she's anorexic!
Peter Gibbons: Yeah, he's really good.
Peter Gibbons: What if we're still doing this when we're fifty?
Samir: It would be nice to have that kind of job security.
Peter Gibbons: Lumbergh's gonna have me work on Saturday. I can tell already. I'm gonna end up doing it, because, uh... because I'm a big pussy, which is why I work at Initech to begin with.
Michael Bolton: Uh, yeah, well, I work at Initech and I don't consider myself a pussy, okay?
Samir: Yes, I am also not a pussy.
Peter Gibbons: [Explaining the plan] Alright so when the sub routine compounds the interest is uses all these extra decimal places that just get rounded off. So we simplified the whole thing, we rounded them all down, drop the remainder into an account we opened.
Joanna: [Confused] So you're stealing?
Peter Gibbons: Ah no, you don't understand. It's very complicated. It's uh it's aggregate, so I'm talking about fractions of a penny here. And over time they add up to a lot.
Joanna: Oh okay. So you're gonna be making a lot of money, right?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Right. It's not yours?
Peter Gibbons: Well it becomes ours.
Joanna: How is that not stealing?
Peter Gibbons: [pauses] I don't think I'm explaining this very well.
Peter Gibbons: Um... the 7-11. You take a penny from the tray, right?
Joanna: From the cripple children?
Peter Gibbons: No that's the jar. I'm talking about the tray. You know the pennies that are for everybody?
Joanna: Oh for everybody. Okay.
Peter Gibbons: Well those are whole pennies, right? I'm just talking about fractions of a penny here. But we do it from a much bigger tray and we do it a couple a million times.